Sweet Baby of Ours...

{Warning:  This post contains some graphic portions and a few bad words.  I apologize in advance... Nope, not really.}

Two weeks ago, Husband and I experienced what could possibly be the best day of our lives.  

He was out of town training for the weekend and I expected him home at any moment.  While cleaning, I found a pregnancy test that I had tucked away some months ago after a "not pregnant" showed up for what seemed like the millionth time in a year and a half (see our infertility struggle here).  My mind got the best of me (hey, I'm a daydreamer) and I thought about how nice it would be to surprise Husband with a "pregnant" on the stick that currently lied in my hands.  So, I figured... What could it hurt to take one more?  After all, I am a week late and though that is quite normal for my circumstances, I'll just go ahead and take a whack at it.

I left it in our bathroom and went to the kitchen where I proceeded to talk to Dog as I fed him.  As I walked back into the bathroom, I noticed something I had never seen before on the HPT.  

This is what I saw...

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!  FINALLY!!!

I called my family, crying (of course).  Then, Husband came home and his face said it all... He was so, so happy.  We both were.  But, much to my family's insistence (and my utter disbelief), we rushed out to get some more HPT's.  About 10 of them, actually.

Two error codes, two negatives, and one more positive the following morning, led us to the doctor's office.  Sure enough... I was 5 weeks pregnant.  Early, but still definitely pregnant.  We just couldn't believe it.

"I have a baby inside me", I said about every five minutes.

Over the next few days, I kept going in for blood level checks (HCG levels) to make sure this baby was growing.  Levels were going up... Slowly, but they were increasing.  

Our parents and a few select people close to us soon found out that we would be welcoming a baby into the world.  Happy cheers and dances, cries of joy, and great encouragement filled the phone lines as we broke the news to our nearest and dearest.  We always promised each other that nobody, except for our parents and a few close friends, would know about a pregnancy until we reach the "safe zone".  And that's what we did. We kept reminding everyone that this was still very early and considering I have many complications, this already was considered a high-risk pregnancy.

As much as we tried to not get overly excited until it was considered "safe" too, we couldn't help but talk baby names, nursery ideas, shower plans, etc.  Husband was hoping for a boy {secretly, so was I}.

Saturday was the worst day of our lives.

At 7 weeks pregnant, Husband and I lost our baby.  

I was at work and suddenly felt slight cramping (which I was told was normal).  Around noon, I started spotting and the cramps became more frequent. By 2.30, I was full on bleeding and really cramping.  As I drove home, I wept with my Sister and Momma on the phone.  No words are sufficient in describing the fear I felt.  I knew what was happening and there was nothing I could do about it.

Husband and I rushed to the Emergency Room.  The doctors were cold, the nurses handed out fake smiles, and compassion seemed to have no place there.  After ultrasounds that showed no baby, HCG levels that lowered by the hundreds, and cramps/bleeding that only got worse, they told us that it was true.  We were having a miscarriage.  I was to go home and "pass the baby" in the comfort of my own home. 

The drive home felt like it took hours.  My Momma and Daddy sat with their ears to the phone as I wept uncontrollably while Husband picked up some food for us.  All I wanted was to be home and in my family's arms.

Heartbreak.  Hopelessness.  Anger.  Bitterness.  Fear.  Loneliness.  Grief.

The pain I experienced physically is indescribable.  Never have I experienced such pain like that.  One lady described it as, "Contractions without the happy ending".  And though I know not what they feel like, I'll take her word for it since she has experienced it.  Husband wanted to help, but there was nothing for anyone to do.  I just wanted it to end. 

Tears rolled down my cheeks as screams of pain left my mouth and the vision of blood frightened me for hours on end.

The emotional pain...

I flushed my baby down a toilet.

I never saw an ultrasound of my baby nor will I ever get to see them for the first time.  There won't be pregnancy announcements, gender reveals, baby showers, or maternity pictures.  I'll never feel Baby kick for the first time.  We will never know if Baby was a boy or girl, redhead or blonde, blue-eyed or brown-eyed.  No nursery to put together, no big plans to make.

All the doctors swear it's normal as they spit out statistics and facts.  They claim that "it was too early to even be a real pregnancy".  They assure me that my body will recuperate in no time and that I will forget it even happened.

Having a baby die inside you is NOT normal.  Having to "pass" your baby into a toilet is NOT normal.  Having to hold your wife for hours on end as she cries uncontrollably is NOT normal.  Having to let numerous doctors examine you inside and out with different instruments is NOT normal.  Having a doctor tell you that you just lost your little miracle is NOT normal.

Heartless bastards.

{excuse me}

I will never get to be a mother to my first child.  And after a year and a half of praying and begging God for children, my heart is shattered into more than a million pieces.  I never knew a heart could hurt so much.  I never knew I could grieve over something so new and unknown to me... I never knew I could miss something so much.

Until you have experienced it, you really don't know how it feels.  I do know how it feels now and I do not wish this on anybody, ever.  You think you are prepared for something like this to happened, but you are not.  Nothing can prepare you for this.

For Husband and I, the grieving process is not over.  It's all still so fresh and present.  The road to recovery is going to be long and full of not-so-happy days.  But, we believe in a God that has full control of our lives.  He is a Wonderful Creator, a Mighty Healer, and an Omniscient King that has never left us on our own.  We may never know the "why's", but He does and that is sufficient for us.  We have faith that He will give us children, one way or another, and we believe He can do miracles every day.  He will heal our hearts, renew our minds, and bless our faithfulness to Him.

While we are sharing this publicly, we do ask that you respect our privacy and give us a little space.  I share this because it is releasing to me and because I need to write about it.  We understand that people will mean well with their words and we greatly appreciate it, but for right now, we ask that you {please} refrain from messaging, emailing, texting, or calling us.  We would, however, appreciate your prayers during this grieving and healing process.  Thank you.

Sweet Baby of Ours...

We love you so much.  

I am sorry that I never got to nurture and nourish you fully.  I am sorry I never got to cradle you in my arms, kiss you on your forehead, or show you just how much I love you.  From the moment we found out that you came to be, we loved you.  

I know God is taking care of you until we get there.  We look forward to the day when we see your face for the first time and can touch you, hold you, and hear your voice.  You will always be our first child and no one will ever replace you.

Love you forever and ever,

Your Mommy and Daddy

Friday {Design} Finds: Laundry Rooms

Okay, I am DYING for an actual laundry room.  Living in an apartment means having your washer and dryer in a big closet in the hallway.  But, hey, you gotta work with what you have, right?

Here are some laundry room lusts of mine...

Better Homes & Gardens

Geoff Chick & Associates

IHeart Organizing

Remodeling Therapy

Urban Grace Interiors

Cottage Living via My Home Ideas

How To: Breakfast Tray Revamp!

A couple of weeks ago, I decided that I was kind of over the blandness of the breakfast tray sitting on our coffee table.  I bought it at World Market almost a year ago and absolutely love it.  But, it needed a little facelift.

So, I grabbed some Mod-Podge and scrapbook paper.  Within a matter of minutes, the tray was revamped!

This is so easy that you could just figure it out without a tutorial, but hey, I'll do one anyway!

Breakfast Tray Revamp

What you need:

• Mod-Podge
• Two sheets scrapbook paper (12x12)
• Scissors
• Ruler
• Sponge brush

What you do:

1. Place sheet of scrapbook paper in tray for measuring purposes.  One sheet should fit in perfectly without having to alter it.  Place the other sheet end to end with the other, then measure by folding it where the inside of the tray ends.
2. Using a ruler, mark a straight line where you previously folded (this ensures a straight line).
3. With the sponge brush, paint a thin layer of Mod-Podge onto the tray.
4. While Mod-Podge is still pretty wet, stick scrapbook paper onto tray placing the two sheets as close as possible to each other.  Smooth out bubble and creases.
5. Then, when bottom layer of Mod-Podge is dry, paint a thin layer on top of the paper.  Don't make it too thick or there will be bubble and creases (some of those are inevitable, though).
6. When top layer is fully dry, apply another thin layer.
7. Allow to dry completely.

The key to Mod-Podge is brushing on THIN layers.  Thick layers produce more bubbles and creasing, while thin layers allow quicker cooling, less bubbles and creases, and a smoother look.  If you get many bubbles and creases, you can remove the paper by scrubbing it with a wet rag (hot water is best).  I even started out with a green patterned paper, had too many bubbles, and ended up scrubbing it off.  Hey, it happens!  There are several YouTube videos that teach great Mod-Podge techniques.

This revamp cost me $3.  I already had the Mod-Podge on hand ($8 at Hobby Lobby for a 16oz bottle) and I got the tray at World Market a year ago ($20).  If you don't have a tray, try this cheap one from Ikea.  Heck Mod-Podge some scrapbook paper on WHATEVER you want!  

Mod-Podge away, y'all!

Friday {Design} Finds: Wood Floors

Dark, rustic, wide planked wood floors... Swooooooooooooon.

I just love the feel these "barnwood-like" floors give any room.  It can add a warmth to a space that would otherwise feel cold and empty.  It can bring a rustic feel to a modern, sleek room creating more depth and dimension.  Dark wood floors create a nice contrast to light colored rooms and the wide-planked, barnwood style can create a rustic elegance that looks great in almost any space.

Heck, it just looks too dang sexy on a floor.  'Nuff said.

one, two, three

Do you like wood flooring?  Or do you prefer tile or carpet?

Be sure to check out my "Delightful Dwelling" board on Pinterest for more great home decor ideas!

Meatless Monday: Pasta Fresca

Husband and I have been doing the whole Meatless Monday thing.  We figured it would save us a little money and make our meat (chicken, salmon, tilapia, turkey) go just a little bit further.  I was surprised when I heard Husband say, "That's fine with me.  I don't need meat every day."

{{one small step for Husband, one giant leap for Celeste}}

So, my wheels started turning.  I just can never get enough of Noodles & Company.  My absolute favorite dish is their Pasta Fresca.  In fact, we went there a week before my birthday and I enjoyed that with their Pad Thai Rice Noodles (completely GF that way).  HOLYFREAKINGDELICIOUS.  Sautéed red onion, tomatoes, garlic, and spinach in a balsamic/EVOO sauce topped with Feta cheese... What's not to love?

Time to re-create- GF style for us, though! :)

Pasta Fresca

Dish Ingredients:

12 oz pasta (I've used rice noodles and GF fusilli)

1 sliced red onion

3 chopped cloves garlic

1 bunch fresh spinach (leaves cut in half, if preferred)

Half pint grape tomatoes

2 Tbsp olive oil

Feta or Parmesan cheese

Sauce Ingredients:

1/4 olive oil

2 1/2 Tbsp balsamic vinegar

2 1/2 Tbsp chicken broth 

Pinch salt

Pinch pepper

Directions:

In a pot, cook your pasta al dente.

In a bowl, mix all the sauce ingredients and whisk together.  Set aside. 

In a large skillet, heat the oil and sauté the red onion and tomatoes for a couple of minutes.  Then, add the garlic.  Once everything is lightly browned, add the spinach and sauté until they begin to wilt. 

 

Mix the sauce into the sautéed veggies.  Let it cook for about a minute, then add in pasta.  Mix over heat until everything is completely combined.

Remove from heat and serve immediately.  Don't forget to top it with some cheese!

*****

This is a very light, but fully satisfying dish. We prefer it without proteins, but feel free to add in any protein that you would like.  If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to comment below or shoot me an email!  Enjoy!

Friday {Design} Finds: Breakfast Nook

Have you seen the gorgeous breakfast nooks flooding Pinterest and Houzz lately?  I am in LOVE with them!  Especially those with a bench or window seat.

I have never been a fan of the breakfast nooks in homes, quite honestly.  I always saw them and could envision another use for the small space that normally houses either "too big for the space" dining tables or small round tables that belong outdoors.  Instead of being a cohesive, comfortable extension of the kitchen, they usually are just "there".  Then, I started seeing more people become rather creative with the area.  Some of the pictures I am about to show make me want to cuddle up with a cup of coffee and spend hours writing, blogging, and just enjoying a little oasis in the middle of a kitchen.

On that note, check out these LOVELY breakfast nooks!  Aren't they just so comfy looking?  Definitely have to find a house that would look great with a little nook and bench/window seat- SO obsessed!

1.  BHG
2.  Newlywed Diaries
3.  BHG
4.  Jennifer Rizzo

Do you have a breakfast nook right off the kitchen?  If you do, what would you do to take it to the next step and make it absolutely fabulous?

How To: Altering Elastic Waistbands

I bought this skirt at Target over a month ago...

Flattering, huh?

It was a $25 skirt that I got for $5 off the clearance rack.  The color is bright, the fabric is soft (jersey knit), and I knew I could make it look better.  It fit perfectly around my hips, but for someone who has very wide hips, that just looked... wrong.

I love that high waisted skirts have made a comeback in the last few years.  It is great for most body types and very good at hiding some parts of our bodies that we don't quite like (ahem, thighs).  Short gal bonus (not that I am one)?  It adds length, so this might just be the perfect look for you!  Especially those sexy pencil skirts.

Back to the subject... So, what did I do?  Make the existing elastic smaller so that it could fit around my natural waistline.

Simple.  Minus a broken sewing machine needle and an error code that kept showing up on my machine.  Yay technology!

Here is a tutorial on how I did it...

How to Take In Elastic Waistbands

What you need:

• Sewing machine
• Seam ripper
• Scissors
• Pins
• Coordinating thread
• Needle (if you want to do the final step by hand)

What you do:

1. Find the seam in the casing surrounding the elastic.  Using your seam ripper, separate the seam and find the point where both elastic ends are sewn together.  Pull this out (picture 1).  * Side note: You are only pulling out the elastic seam.  Do NOT pull out the entire elastic.*
2. In front of a mirror, put on the skirt and find the placement that is most comfortable for you on your waist.  Once you have found it, pull the elastic and secure the position with pins (picture 2).  Take the skirt off, do a little dance in your undies, then proceed to  cut off about a 1/4 of an inch higher than the placement of your pins.  Don't let go or lose the ends of the elastic!
3. Overlap the seams by about a 1/4 of an inch or so.  Then, with your sewing machine, stitch a couple of seams into the elastic (picture 3).
4. Stretch the elastic and place it back into the casing.  Then, sew the casing back together by sewing straight through the fabric and elastic- this ensures that the elastic stay straight inside the casing (picture 4).
5. Even out the gathering as much as possible (it will change with movement) and admire your revamped skirt!

I accidentally took apart the casing seams on both side of the skirt because I'm dumb and thought I felt the elastic seam at one end when in fact it was near the other seam.  So, the first seam sewed up great, the second I had to do by hand after I broke a needle and couldn't get my needle and bobbin to work together (SO frustrating).  Make sure you pick a skirt that is long enough to move up to your waist... We don't want to see your undies and booty.

Here is the final product of my skirt... In {{LOVE}}!

<<<<--------------

* skirt:  target * shirt:  old navy * flats: steve madden * necklace: caroline g shop *