Let me get my rant out of the way...
For two days, I had the stomach flu. Terrible, disgusting, and hardcore stomach flu. I went to work Monday morning and about 10am started feeling nauseated and sweaty (yep, I am going to get a little graphic, folks). By 11am, the bathroom was my best friend, a fever had overtaken me, and customers began to get mad at me for disappearing every twenty minutes... By 12pm, I was on my way home and getting ready to see my doctor.
At about 2pm, I saw my doctor who tested me for the flu, sinus infection, stomach flu, and pregnancy. It was only two out of those four possibilities... Stomach flu and sinus infection.
After a morning of "Are you pregnant?" and "Morning sickness sucks, doesn't it?" from coworkers, friends, and family, I am quite fed up.
Does the whole world have to think and ask a woman if she is pregnant when nausea, vomiting, and a fever set in? I mean, really? Can we just be sick without that speculation circling all over creation?
No... For the millionth time, I am not been pregnant, I never have been, and I will not be for quite some time. It is so very annoying to have to answer that question over and over again alongside the age old, "When are y'all planning on having babies?".
Let me be honest for a minute...
Husband and I have prayed so hard for children. Our hearts ache and desire for babies, lots of babies. There have been times where I thought I was pregnant only to find out I was not- the pain and disappointment that followed is not something I wish to keep reliving. Though happiness and joy should be felt when a new life is being formed, tears and pain tend to overtake those feelings when someone else around me is expecting.
On the outside, we may seem fine. But on the inside, we are fighting an inward battle filled with sadness, pain, and weariness. I feel it more than he. I am a woman, I should be able to give my husband the children he desires... But for some reason, I cannot.
Questions keep me up many nights...
"Why not me?"
"Why are they getting a baby when they cannot even provide for it?"
"Why are women who do not even want to be pregnant having babies, but I am aching for just one and cannot have any?"
"Why do we have to try without any luck or hope, but everyone else does not even try and in turn, end up pregnant?"
Honestly, when my doctor did test me for pregnancy, I was almost hoping she would come back and say, "You are pregnant!". I almost started planning how I would tell Husband that day. Oh, and my sister would be so ecstatic! Momma and Daddy would be so happy too!
But, when she came back in and did not even mention the pregnancy test, I felt a deep pain in my heart. Another disappointment after hoping ever so faintly that it would be true.
While we were dating and discussing marriage, we decided that after about five years of marriage we would then start a family. However, the itch to have children hit suddenly and now all we want is a house full of kids. Would it be wiser to wait? Maybe. Is now a good time? Probably not. Does any of that really matter? Not one bit.
We know God has a set plan for us. We know that somehow, some way, we will have children. He knows the desires of our hearts and he knows our relentless prayers for those desires. He works everything out when He sees it fit and right now, it is not that time. Maybe one day soon it will be.
The joy I would feel to finally be able to say, "Yes".
I have prayed about whether or not I should share our current struggle, but after these past few days it became clear to me that I needed a little release. The inner battle will still continue with both Husband and I (if it did not, we would not be human!). But here is our heart. Here is our struggle.
God will bless us with a family at some point in our lives. And as much as we both want it now, we will be patient, hopeful, and place full trust in God's Hands. This was not written for pity, sympathy, or empathy. This was written as a release for me, for us. This was written because maybe this will connect with someone else. This was written because this is our life right now... A struggle that we are faced with on a daily basis. An experience that we wish we were not going through but at the same time are embracing. A fight that is teaching us to rely on God and on each other.
Thanks for letting me be honest with you!
Though comments are none, I do want to thank all of the women who have emailed, messaged, and called me. I am humbled, blessed, overwhelmed, and encouraged by each and everyone of you.
Our battle has become more difficult this past week. Details will remain unwritten, but hope remains still. To those in whom we have entrusted this detailed information, we ask that you please respect our privacy... Thank you!
As we continue this long road ahead and continue to hope and pray for children one day, we fight alongside all those who are experiencing the same thing. You are not alone... Pray without ceasing and keep on believing and hoping. God is bigger!